It all came to me last night. All at once. Every issue hit the deepest layers of me like a meteor. I felt everything all at once and yet, felt like nothing,
A drunken mess of arms and legs and clothing letting out tears and vomit without restraint, wishing my problems would escape me in the same fashion, I painted the sidewalk with cluttered puke and wished I was able to die right then and there. I sobbed like a child, my desperation evident yet the reasons hidden behind a curtain of drunkenness.
I drank more than was necessary, I know, but it drowned out every other thought I had that was bugging me, to the point where I felt I was drowning. The black and white night taking gulps at me, trying to swallow me whole, yet torturing me with every failed attempt.
Here’s what I know. My mom, my little sister’s problems, my “friend”, my lack of friends, my job, my uncertain future, my struggle with my weight and my insecurity about myself, my abilities, my appearance, my personality, is weighing me down. Emotionally and mentally, I am completely unstable and I don’t know who to reach out to. I have no support system. I am an enigma with Golden Globe worthy acting skills that has the world convinced I am completely content and happy, when in reality I am a mess.
I’m tired of hiding my vulnerability. I’m tired of telling myself that nobody needs to know about my problems because it’s none of their business and they won’t be able to help. I’d, for once, like to think that there are indeed people in existence that have the ability, need and desire to stand by me. I’d like to believe there’s no need to always appear strong. I’d love it if I were able to let myself be more open to the people that surround me. If I were able to let them close enough to realize my vulnerability.
At this point, I’m more afraid of self desgructing than I’ll ever be of allowing someone get close to me.
I don’t want to be responsible for my own ruin.